Name: The Beckdashians.
Age: From seven to 44.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you have combined the surnames of the western world’s two foremost families, the Beckhams and the Kardashians, have you not? I have!
To what end? Has an interclan engagement been announced, or a joint corporate venture? Which assets are being merged? What monstrous offspring is about to be visited upon an already broken and bleeding earth?No, nothing like that.
Thank God. Well, a bit like that.
Don’t go on. The Beckhams have posed together for a British Vogue shoot!
And? Just like the Kardashians! They’re always posing for things all together! Sometimes naked, sometimes not. That’s their thing.
Did the Beckhams look like strange, humanoid creatures moulded from Bakelite, gazing out at the viewer in such a way that the axiom “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back” crept into your mind? No.
Not much like the Kardashians, then. They looked quite human. Except for the dog.
This had better not be a bad Victoria joke. No, the Beckhams’ spaniel, Olive, was in the photos: leaping across Victoria, lying on the grass with David while the kids play with Nerf guns; and sitting under a tree with Victoria, Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper for the cover pic.
Wait – was David not on the cover? No.
I feel this means something. Like a coded message from Victoria about the state of their marriage? Or one from David, about the state of his hair? Maybe he had a sticky-up bit that Vogue couldn’t get to lie flat?
Maybe! People are speculating. It seems a pointed decision, especially after they were recently forced to deny rumours of impending divorce. She doesn’t look that happy in the Nerf gun photo, either.
Though, as Wodehouse nearly said, it is never difficult to tell the difference between Victoria Beckham and a ray of sunshine. True. That said, a spoof video of the shoot done by Victoria and various Voguers and released in conjunction with the magazine is really funny. She has some deadpan comic chops, that former Spice Girl turned successful fashion designer mogul.
So, unless Kim Kardashian is one day revealed as Sacha Baron Cohen’s greatest creation, la Beckham has them beat? Korrect.
Do say: “What a perfect, photogenic family. I see no artifice or evasion here at all.”
Don’t say: “WHUR DAVID THO TELL US YOUR TRUTH!!!”